I never thought I’d end up here…

I have rolled these thoughts around in my head for some time.  This morning it just weighed on my heart to write it down.  Get it out there, out into the world. I don’t write this as a boo-hoo look at me, feel sad for me post.  I write this as a person that is coming to grips with a disability.  I put this out there, into the world because there may be a person that is going through the same thing, or has a family member, friend, whomever, that is going through a similar situation. I see you, I feel you, and I know what you’re going through.

Now to get on with it…

I never thought I would’ve ended up here.  I’m 40 years old, disabled and unable to work.  I have had 9 back surgeries (from multiple back issues over quite a few years), fibromyalgia, Sjogren’s Syndrome, Osteoarthritis, chronic pain, along with other diagnoses that have lead me to this point.  I have had 3 blood clots in my lungs, and an infection in my spine (from one of the many back surgeries) and I struggle daily with anxiety and depression. I now have a spinal cord simulator that helps me with some of my chronic day-to-day pain. But, there are still good days and there are bad days, both physically and mentally.

I have had the job title of “disabled” for many years now and I don’t ever think I will get used to it. My mind on those “good days” thinks, what if. What if I could go back to work.  I could go back to my old identity and be a provider once again. Then those “bad days” hit, more often than I would like, for obvious reasons, and the reality sets in. Finding myself laying on the couch with heating pads, ice packs, too tired to move or do anything. There is no way that I could go back into the job market and work 8+ hours a day, 40+ hours a week like I was dreaming of just the day before.

Could you imagine going to work, working hard on X, Y or Z then having your mind go blank and you can’t remember what the next step should be.  Forgetting words mid-sentence. Forgetting where your phone is when clearly I am taking on it (true story). Misplacing an important piece of paper and driving myself nuts trying to remember where I put it because what I do remember is that I picked a place that would be obvious so that I wouldn’t forget where I put it….What a great plan. These are only a few of the struggles.

Why does my brain hold on to these hopes of one day I can go back.  One day I will feel good enough to go back to work.  There’s always a spark of hope, but that spark breaks my heart when reality sets in just moments later or the next day.  I have thought of different angles on how I could approach going back to work WITH my disabilities. But, it always comes crashing down when my body just doesn’t want to work properly.  It’s a reality that hard to accept.

Why me?  What is the reason that I have been taken out of my old life and expected to adapt to my new (well not so new any more), painful reality? What is Gods plan for this to have happened to me? What am I supposed to do?  There has to be a reason. A reason I look for daily because there is so much left of my life (I hope I live a long life, I am only 40). I would like to know. I have more important things to share with this world than self-care so that I can lower my horrible pain. What’s the plan and when will I be let in on that secret?

Life is what we make of it, no matter our situation.  I believe that.  However, there are days where I wish I was that able-bodied person that enjoyed her work.  I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away. But, with the issues, my body has faced. I just have to be lucky and THANKFUL that I am still here.

To those who are struggling, I get it.

When something bad happens you have 3 choices, you can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

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Blogging Update | The Bibliovert

It’s been a tough couple weeks.  I had taken a break from blogging and needed to focus on self-care.  Those of you who don’t know, I suffer with chronic pain on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others, yet there are times when I have a flare up and have day after day of tough, high pain days. When that happens I have learned that I need to do everything I can do to take care of myself.

Unfortunately, blogging is low on the priority list when those flares hit.  They can be unpredictable, so I just want to be upfront. This is my reality and going forward I am not going to commit to a regular blogging schedule.  I have enjoyed posting the First Line Fridays as well as What I’m Working on Wednesday.  So when able I will continue to post those.

As for book reviews, I plan on continuing those. But, I will no longer be accepting requests for book reviews.  With my daily pain, it is difficult to tell how I will be feeling day to day, week to week.  Thus getting things done timely isn’t always guaranteed.

I have enjoyed this as an outlet to share my thoughts and want to continue with it. But it will have to be at a pace I can handle which will vary week to week.  The book community has been so supportive and I hope you’ll continue on this journey with me.

staturday night

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Blogmas #1: December TBR List and Goals (October and November Recap)

 

BlogmasontheBibliovert1

Todays the first day of Blogmas! 

I am so excited that December is finally here! If you’re wondering what #blogmas is all about, check out my earlier post (here).

Recap of October and November

My last update, I had a goal that stated:

 PROGRESS OVER PERFECTION There will be hiccups along the way, just keep moving forward.

Well, I hit some hiccups along the way… October and November were a crazy mess!  I am not one to beat around the bush or be subtle so I to just come out and keep it real. For one, I wasn’t feeling well.  For those that don’t know, I struggle with chronic pain and illnesses.  The winter here in Minnesota really does a number on me.  The cold weather adds insult to injury. On top of that my body decided it would be a good time to get a severe infection and need to have an emergency surgery the DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING!  So, on top of my regular struggles, I am now healing from that surgery. BUT, I’m the mend.  Needless to say, I am hoping and praying December will be a bit easier.

Life is like a roller coaster.  It has its ups and downs,

but it’s your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.

Reading Recap

Books Read in October

Her Last Move by John Marrs

The Spy Who Was Left Behind by Michael Pullara

The Perfect Liar by Thomas Christopher Greene

The Case of the Golden State Killer by Michael Morfor and Michael Ferguson

Painless by Marty Thornley

Books Read in November

Gazelle In The Shadows by Michelle Peach

An Anonymous Girl by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen

Pigeon – Blood Red by Ed Duncan(review coming soon)

Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis (review coming soon)

Decembers TBR List

I always have so many more books on my list for reading in a month than I know I can get through…but I guess that’s half the fun!  There are SO many good books!

She Lies in Wait by Gytha Lodge

The Strange Curse of Breda by Steven Arnett

The Perfect Girlfriend by Karen Hamilton

Beautiful Bad by Annie Ward

Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty

Unsheltered by Barbara Kingsolver

*I really would like to get to The Outsider by Stephen King but it will have to wait January.

Goals for The Bibliovert in December

The meaning of bibliovert

  1. Blogmas: I have 24 planned posts for December and 2 book reviews that I need to prepare. So this will be a good challenge for me.  At the time of prepping this particular post, I actually only have 2 posts completed and scheduled.  I am feeling the crunch. Procrastination at it’s finest!  (Are you a procrastinator?  I try so hard not to be, but it always just seems to work out that way. Maybe that will be a goal for January… less procrastination)
  2. Spend more time on The Bibliovert Instagram account
  3. Relax, listen to music, enjoy the holiday season and be present.
  4. *Reminder* Persistence over Perfection

 

HERE’S TO EACH OF YOU CRUSHING IT IN DECEMBER!

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, I WANT TO SEND A BIG THANK YOU TO THE OTHER BLOGGERS AND READERS THAT HAVE STOPPED BY MY LITTLE CORNER OF THE INTERNET. THE MESSAGES, THE LIKES, AND SHARES HERE ON THE BLOG AND MY SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS HAVE MEANT THE WORLD TO ME.

Thank You! ❤

Blog Tour: Painless by Marty Thornly

PainlessTourBannerPainless by Marty Thornley Cover Image

Author: Marty Thornley 

Print Length: 284 pages

Publication Date: January 12, 2018

ISBN: 97819785120

Genre: Suspense, Thriller, Horror

Buy it here: Amazon

 

Blurb

PAINLESS is a page-turning psychological-horror novel, a front row seat to a clinical trial gone horribly wrong.

For Greg Owens, this was supposed to be a chance to end years of back pain and escape his reliance on pain pills. If it all worked out, he could maybe even get back the life he left behind as the pills took control.

Instead, as the patients are cured of their physical pain, they encounter a different sort of pain building inside them – obsessive thoughts, depression, self-destruction. The side-effects grow worse, and the suspense ratchets tighter. The patients want answers and violent revenge, setting them on a collision course with a crazed doctor, determined to protect his life’s obsession.

Excerpt

Streams of smoke and steam rise into the sky from the burnt underside of a car, wrecked and resting on its roof. The heat of the engine and exhaust distorts the air above, and the metal crackles as it cools in the breeze of early morning.

1965 Cadillac Coupe De Ville. Black. It still has that new-car shine. Even with the wreckage of the crash, it is evident the car was cleaned and cared for. The tires, still spinning, slowly come to a stop.

A small hand reaches from the broken back window. A boy drags himself carefully out of the twisted, broken door. Blood drips from his scalp, down his face and onto his suit—disheveled from the crash but cleaned and ironed just a couple of hours ago.

He stands and, though only seven-years-old, stumbles and braces himself against the car like a drunk who just pulled himself out of his own wreck. For a moment he looks out into the distance.

It is quiet here.

The pine trees lining this lonely stretch of road are swayed by an almost silent wind. Behind the seemingly endless forest, snow-capped mountains stand indifferently.

A woman moans in pain.

The boy moves forward, making his way around the back of the car, bracing himself on the tail light, the license plate, the bumper. He rounds the corner to the driver’s side. A woman’s head and arms hang out of the driver’s window. A pool of blood spreads around her.

“Mama?”

She tries to smile. Blood drips from her lips.

“Does it hurt?”

She reaches for the back of her neck. “I can’t… get it…” Her fingers grasp a shard of metal that has pierced her spine. “Agh!”

The boy moves aside her hair, exposing an angled fragment of chrome window trim—embedded deep in her neck, its bent and twisted length shooting through a ragged and bleeding gash of skin. As his fingers brush against the shiny protrusion, she closes her eyes and clamps her mouth shut—refusing the pain and stifling a scream.

“I… need… you to… pull it…”

The boy tugs. The metal moves.

“AHHHHHHHH!”

The boy hesitates.

“PULL IT!”

He tugs again. The chrome spike slides out of her neck. Blood splashes off the end and splatters his face.

A serene calm washes over Mama’s face.

“Thank you, baby. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“It doesn’t?”

Mama smiles. Her hand reaches up, wiping the blood from her son’s face with her thumb.

The boy smiles back.

Mama’s hand goes limp and drops away. Mama’s eyes gloss over.

“Mama?”

Mama is dead.

A drop of crimson pools at the tip of the sharp and twisted chrome, still held tightly in his fingers, finally building the critical mass to drip down into the dirt between his feet.

The boy stares down. Cold and calculating.

My review of Painless can be read here.

About the Author

Marty Thornley, Author of PainlessMarty started writing short stories as a teenager, inspired as much by favorite books and movies as the environment and characters that define the South Shore of Massachusetts. The pull of the movies dragged him first to film school and finally to Los Angeles, where he poked at the outskirts of the industry with screenplays and short films.

As his interest in a film career fizzled, he rebuilt himself bit-by-bit as a programmer. He spent the next decade building websites, finally realizing that something had been lost. His stories were collecting dust in the back of his brain while he sat through conference calls and code reviews.

So he returned to the woods of New England and the calming darkness under the trees. He returned to find the things that crawl in the undergrowth and turn them into words on the page. He dusted off one of his screenplays and turned it into his first novel. In the process, a dormant storyteller was awakened and is now seeking the next blank page to fill.

Website | GoodReads | Twitter

I would like to thank Marty Thornley and Xpresso Tours for allowing me to be a part of this blog tour.

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Book Review: Painless by Marty Thornley

Painless by Marty Thornley Cover Image

Author: Marty Thornley

Print Length: 284 pages

Publication Date: January 12, 2018

ISBN: 97819785120

Genre: Suspense, Thriller, Horror

Buy it here: Amazon

Source: I received an ARC of this novel via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Blurb

PAINLESS is a page-turning psychological-horror novel, a front row seat to a clinical trial gone horribly wrong.

For Greg Owens, this was supposed to be a chance to end years of back pain and escape his reliance on pain pills. If it all worked out, he could maybe even get back the life he left behind as the pills took control.

Instead, as the patients are cured of their physical pain, they encounter a different sort of pain building inside them – obsessive thoughts, depression, self-destruction. The side-effects grow worse, and the suspense ratchets tighter. The patients want answers and violent revenge, setting them on a collision course with a crazed doctor, determined to protect his life’s obsession.

My Thoughts

Painless captured what it was like to live with chronic pain and the desperate need and want to feel “normal” again. As a person that struggles daily with chronic pain, it nailed the sear desperation and lengths that a person would go through to feel “normal” and pain-free again.

This book is not like anything I had ever read before. Painless will make you cringe throughout the course of the book. It’s twisted and gruesome. As each event happens, it is if you are right there in the room with the character. The vivid details are not for the faint of heart.

This book didn’t disappoint.

Quote

“Denial is a strange mental state to deal with. Addicts hide from themselves with it. The grieving hide from the unbearable weight of loss behind it. Sudden change, for better or worse, could sometimes introduce doubt about the past and whether it truly happened or not.”

Rating

5-stars

About the Author

Marty Thornley, Author of Painless

Marty started writing short stories as a teenager, inspired as much by favorite books and movies as the environment and characters that define the South Shore of Massachusetts. The pull of the movies dragged him first to film school and finally to Los Angeles, where he poked at the outskirts of the industry with screenplays and short films.

As his interest in a film career fizzled, he rebuilt himself bit-by-bit as a programmer. He spent the next decade building websites, finally realizing that something had been lost. His stories were collecting dust in the back of his brain while he sat through conference calls and code reviews.

So he returned to the woods of New England and the calming darkness under the trees. He returned to find the things that crawl in the undergrowth and turn them into words on the page. He dusted off one of his screenplays and turned it into his first novel. In the process, a dormant storyteller was awakened and is now seeking the next blank page to fill.

Website | GoodReads | Twitter

I would like to thank Marty Thornley and NetGalley for giving me the chance to read Painless.

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